Right now my world is turning around. Problems are beating up front and back like a baseball bat from a bully that you can never touch. I see sadness everywhere. Pain is like air that I breathe. Blood is the road that I walk to and grave is where I sleep.
My Mother is ill. Like I said in my first write up she has brain tumor in her frontal lobe. She’s at a hospital not close to decency. Though in war there is hope. If she’ not operated as soon a possible she’ll comatose. If she gets operated it’s a 50/50. Now I realize how every minute counts in our lives.
I’m struggling to the fact that I can’t do much as expected as a son.
There is guilt and pain all mix up like tonic vodka.
Yes there is guilt for my mother is laying in bed #9 and I’m out working from Mondays to Fridays and going only there from 4-7pm (visiting hours) then after visiting I go and fight my fear of loosing her and losing myself in the process.
I have to admit that because of fear I dwell on class forbidden happiness.
Drugs and Beer
Sometimes combined, given the chance that I have enough money for both. For a few hours I’m happy. I’m higher than the angels from above. But after a few hours I drown to pain and sadness. In short, reality bites after you have sex with Satan.
Right now I’m trying to sort out a lot of stuffs in my life.
2 weeks ago we parted till the wee hours of Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed thinking, but at the same time faking my smiles as I know what I am doing is wrong.
Don’t get me wrong. I love doing things that I do. But there are limitations.
I look around me and I saw my closest friends. But then, I realize I don’t see myself anymore.
Who am I?
I left our condo and went straight to the hospital. I was faking myself and acting strong as if I’m one of Greek God’s that can conquer any fear. After a few hours of staying there I went to the nearest mall possible. I had dinner, coffee and movie alone.
Alone
How come when I say that word, it’s like a rusty tube inside my ass. As if when I say it its like Satan has big party down there for my loneliness and emptiness.
I texted several people so that I wouldn’t feel alone and empty. A friend of mine called and ask me where am I and who am I with?
Silence
Dead silence like the old graves of the Gothic days.
Suddenly I snap out and told what I am going through right now. The person on other line told me.
“We all go through the stage that we question ourselves our purpose in life, we have our own styles in knowing what it is and who we are. In my case I wrote down things that I’m grateful for. I wrote down my short and long term goals. Last but not the least I wrote down my priorities in life”
I just realized that I don’t have any of those.
After I put down the phone I went up and watch the movie WANTED.
WANTED
Sigh!
I want to be wanted.
I went to the spa after, then to a friends place to release.
Yes, to release… (“,)
As I went home after suddenly feel emptiness and sadness again.
I just established that both of them are now my soap and perfume.
I’m starting this new leaf. It might be weird for those who can’t relate but like what I’ve told you from the start….”Understanding is a second priority”
I want to get my life back or at least fine who I am and what I can to in this world.
A week after it was a long week end. Thursday I’m with my office mates. We went to a karaoke bar and drank hard. Friday I met up with a close friend of mine. We had coffee and drank a bottle of beer. I told my story and surprisingly he understood what I am trying to do. Same goes last Saturday with a different friend of mine as well.
Same venue and advice was given to me.
“Sometimes you have to go out and do other stuffs or do the same stuffs that you do but with a different crowd. Because sometimes you get to know their own insights and help you in the process”
I need space for myself, Friends that would help me get through and a family that will make me alive.
I could go on and on but like what I’ve said awhile back reality bites.
To be honest, I don’t have the answers right now. But a friend told me to write it down.
I am writing now.
I’m trying
but I'm afraid.
My Mother is ill. Like I said in my first write up she has brain tumor in her frontal lobe. She’s at a hospital not close to decency. Though in war there is hope. If she’ not operated as soon a possible she’ll comatose. If she gets operated it’s a 50/50. Now I realize how every minute counts in our lives.
I’m struggling to the fact that I can’t do much as expected as a son.
There is guilt and pain all mix up like tonic vodka.
Yes there is guilt for my mother is laying in bed #9 and I’m out working from Mondays to Fridays and going only there from 4-7pm (visiting hours) then after visiting I go and fight my fear of loosing her and losing myself in the process.
I have to admit that because of fear I dwell on class forbidden happiness.
Drugs and Beer
Sometimes combined, given the chance that I have enough money for both. For a few hours I’m happy. I’m higher than the angels from above. But after a few hours I drown to pain and sadness. In short, reality bites after you have sex with Satan.
Right now I’m trying to sort out a lot of stuffs in my life.
2 weeks ago we parted till the wee hours of Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed thinking, but at the same time faking my smiles as I know what I am doing is wrong.
Don’t get me wrong. I love doing things that I do. But there are limitations.
I look around me and I saw my closest friends. But then, I realize I don’t see myself anymore.
Who am I?
I left our condo and went straight to the hospital. I was faking myself and acting strong as if I’m one of Greek God’s that can conquer any fear. After a few hours of staying there I went to the nearest mall possible. I had dinner, coffee and movie alone.
Alone
How come when I say that word, it’s like a rusty tube inside my ass. As if when I say it its like Satan has big party down there for my loneliness and emptiness.
I texted several people so that I wouldn’t feel alone and empty. A friend of mine called and ask me where am I and who am I with?
Silence
Dead silence like the old graves of the Gothic days.
Suddenly I snap out and told what I am going through right now. The person on other line told me.
“We all go through the stage that we question ourselves our purpose in life, we have our own styles in knowing what it is and who we are. In my case I wrote down things that I’m grateful for. I wrote down my short and long term goals. Last but not the least I wrote down my priorities in life”
I just realized that I don’t have any of those.
After I put down the phone I went up and watch the movie WANTED.
WANTED
Sigh!
I want to be wanted.
I went to the spa after, then to a friends place to release.
Yes, to release… (“,)
As I went home after suddenly feel emptiness and sadness again.
I just established that both of them are now my soap and perfume.
I’m starting this new leaf. It might be weird for those who can’t relate but like what I’ve told you from the start….”Understanding is a second priority”
I want to get my life back or at least fine who I am and what I can to in this world.
A week after it was a long week end. Thursday I’m with my office mates. We went to a karaoke bar and drank hard. Friday I met up with a close friend of mine. We had coffee and drank a bottle of beer. I told my story and surprisingly he understood what I am trying to do. Same goes last Saturday with a different friend of mine as well.
Same venue and advice was given to me.
“Sometimes you have to go out and do other stuffs or do the same stuffs that you do but with a different crowd. Because sometimes you get to know their own insights and help you in the process”
I need space for myself, Friends that would help me get through and a family that will make me alive.
I could go on and on but like what I’ve said awhile back reality bites.
To be honest, I don’t have the answers right now. But a friend told me to write it down.
I am writing now.
I’m trying
but I'm afraid.
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