Debugging Matrix

What will happen to my mother after the operation?

Will the operation be successful?

What about our finances?

What will happen to me as I live this life right now?

What do I do?

Is there more to this life?

Will there be love soon?

Will I be alone forever as I grow old?

Will my friends be an instrument for me to be a successful and mature person?

Is versatility the key?

Will Rhoger find his way to success? Or he already did he just don’t know it.

Will Dj and I solve our unspoken conflict?

Will Riow know what he really wants in life?

Will JM find his way to love and balance everything with his work?

What will happen to me and my best friend?

What do they think of me?

Whew! Too many question but the answer are so few... sigh!

One last question…

Where's your head at?

The Cutscene of Kratos

Last Friday I was on leave. It’s my father’s birthday last Thursday and I plan to treat him to a fancy restaurant. After going to the hospital, me and my dad went to Teriyaki Boy to have a soulful dinner. Before dinner I told him that “Dad, it’s your celebration hour today, let’s talk about happy stuffs okay?” Well at first he’s following what I told him but after sometime he just blurted out while eating “I wish your mom was hear with us, not lying in a hospital bed”

Truth hurts

I replied to him “Papa we have to be strong for her”

It’s actually half meant when I said “Papa we have to be strong for her”

I’m not strong; I’m weak and out of bullets.

After the dinner I went to my friend’s office to meet him up for dinner. I already took dinner so I just tagged along. While walking we bumped to another friend of ours. Anyway the two of them had coffee and CBTL while I was puffing my cigar and half listening to the endless guys stories of my friend.

After the coffee dinner, the friend that we bumped into went back to his office while my friend and I went to my place and chill out for a few hours before going to the club. I message my best friend where he is; surprisingly he’s already in the building going up our room. Around 12am to 1 we prepared and went to the Club to party and meet our other friends. Some of us drink and dance the night away, most of us bought a ticket to heaven and fly away.

I bought a ticket to heaven.

Red Gas Pump

Around 6 am we decided to go home and bought a connecting flight.

In house

Around 3:20 in the afternoon I woke up and went to the hospital to check my mother. From my place it takes 3 rides before you get to the hospital. A jeepney, a bus and another jeepney ride. When I was in the bus I check out the weather and it was perfectly fine, after a few minutes it rained so hard. I don’t have anything with me to protect me from the rain. When I got out of the jeepney I ran towards the hospital all drenched up. I check my phone and my Ipod if it’s wet, well it is but not broken. Seeing my mother the second time for the week makes me wonder how strong my mother is. Imagine this, she has brain tumor and her need two operations plus the fact that she is in a ward with a lot of people who has the same problem worse than she has. It has been 3 weeks and she never cried even once. I’m proud of my mother and I hope she can get over this problem after the operation is finish.

After a few hours of staying with my mom, I passed out in her bed, again. So I woke up late and went home. Since I haven’t eaten for more than 24 hours I grabbed a huge dinner at a near diner with my dad. For less than 40 minutes I have been sitting twice already in comfort room. I think my stomach problem is back. It’s not LBM but it’s like LBM. Feeling so bad because of the rain and LBM I rested in my bed with my other 2 friends, soon to WED on August 08 2008. 08.08.08. I charge my phone in the kitchen for an hour or so. When I checked my phone there was a lot of messages by my friend who is looking for us and asking us to go to the Club that we went the other night. My 2 friend decided to go but I didn’t for I was tired and there is an underlying story behind the text messaging incident. As I stayed in the house I played for a couple of hours my favorite game in Play station 2: God of War (I already finish the Chains of Olympus and the one in Play station Portable), after that I took a look sleep.

Sunday was a relaxing day; I woke up around 2 in the afternoon and then went to my mother’s hospital to check her up. After few hours I went back to the dirty city and grab dinner at Seattle’s best and of course a large Frapucinno to go because I’m going to watch “The dark knight” As I walked through the isle of the cinema I found my seat. And as I sat at it I was shocked for my ex-boyfriend from Alabang is just beside my seat. I made sure that I wouldn’t look shocked. I know that he noticed me too and he was giggling. The movie was great but the feeling that your ex is just beside you and you guys are not talking but glancing every now and then is the best. Towards the end of the movie he made a moved. Of course I made the move too. We rub into each others elbows then finger tips and at the end he held hands.

“HAHAHAHAHA”

We never talked even after the movie. I walked towards the exit because I know there is no after movie humping for us.

“HAHAHAHAHA”

3 days of no work.

“Was it relaxing?”

Almost

“Was it memorable?”

Yes it was

“Was it worth it?”

It was well worth the leave.

Chalice of Goodness

It’s my father’s birthday today. Happy birthday daddy! Don’t ask me his age because I actually don’t know. All I know is I’m very lucky to have him in my life. If I could say, he’s the perfect father for me and for my best friend too.

Before, my dad and I were not that close. I can still remember that I was always with my grandmother and other relatives. I can’t remember anymore how we became close. Probably it’s the daughter and dad theory.

We became closer when I told him my problem with my ex-boyfriends.

He already knows that I’m gay even before it’s just that he’s waiting for me to come out.

I can still remember that exact moment.

Sigh

Can’t help but smile

To my dad, I love you so much and no matter what I will be always by your side.

“We can do this”

I love you and happy birthday!

Rejuvinating Potion

It has been 2 weeks since I stopped visiting the heavens.

To all those who take the pill, you know what I’m talking about. To those who don’t know anything about it… stay that way. I will be a hypocrite if Ill be saying that I’m going to stop taking the pill. I just simply miss the bonding and the joy the drug brings. Like they say in the commercial “Once you pop, you can’t stop”

And I can’t stop

Addict

Of course with all the things that I have to fix plus the family problems that I have, I need to balance it out. Still take the drug but not as much as before. After all, I already had my peak of the drug.

Yeah. I did already! So stop reacting!

Right now, I’m just having fun with good old beers with grenadine and hopping to bars with different friends to see other people and see their insights in life. It’s’ surprising that dumb people aren’t’ that dumb when it comes to the realities of life.

We begin to question ourselves sometimes when were out with other people

“What am I doing here?”

“Why am I with these people?”

“What the fuck?”

It goes on and on trust me, but maybe I’m with different types of people for a reason. Not just to have fun, but also to see the good in my life. How precious my life is.

I don’t know

It’s complicated

But that what makes the world go round

Like a pill

Like a drug

Balancing Pandora's Box

Last week my mom had a seizure.
It was her first time to have a seizure. Unfortunately, I’m not there so was my dad.

I thought it was the end, and we were never there for the big battle that we are preparing for the longest time. It’s a good thing though that the friends that we made in the hospital were there and my grandmother was there to be of assistance.

Relieved

I called my supervisor to ask if I can go on a half day. He said yes. He knows what’s been happening to me these past few days regarding my family and my mother’s illness.

Around 6:30 in the evening I took a bath and clothe myself because I should be in the office before 8pm.

Traffic

When I got in the office a few seconds past 8pm. I took calls but honestly my mind wasn’t in my workload that I’m doing. I just followed the call flow but my heart wasn’t in it.

My heart was with my mother together with my mind and soul.

After this day I went home and the same routine Tuesday. My mind was out of work as if it has traveled the galaxy to search for the answers in life. At the end of my shift my supervisor called for my attention and talked to me.

“How are you?”

My answer was null and void, though my eyes tell sadness and fear.

“I totally understand what’s happening now with your life. And I’m giving you all the extra time because I know how hard it is. I check your scores and its drifting apart. You need to focus because I know and you know that you need this job for you and for your family.”

[It’s the cliff notes version]

After that, I realize that all those things that my supervisor told to me were true.

Yes. I have a problem with my family.

Yes. I need to sort things out in my life.

But I have a job that I have to keep for me to do things that I usually do.

Reality bites in life and a lot of biting is happening right now. It’s a lot harder if your family is involved. Emotions run through every single day. It’s hard to smile these days. Imagine you and your friends are joking around randomly and you just need to smile for the reason being that you need too because it was a funny moment.

Sigh

Temple of Fates

It’s done. It happened yesterday and it ended around 6 in the morning.

As you know me and my friend also my roommate had a big fight last Sunday that ended with punching and kicking. For 3 days we did not talk to each other and he on the other hand did not go home for a couple of days.

Yesterday he message me on the phone and ask if we could talk after my work about something serious. I said it’s not a problem since I’ve been waiting for the moment that we will sit and talk about our problems.

As I finish my work in the office waiting for 12midnight to tick I visited his site and I saw a new post.

Here is the post that made:

Disconnection

When you got disconnected from the Internet and tried to reconnect, it will give you a different IP address. There is a small chance of getting the same IP address again since it’s a dynamic one. Your computer is able to cope with the network changes.

Disconnection means new life… new path… new network place to deal with. But sometimes, you don’t want to be disconnected just for a moment because you’re enjoying it.

My connection is getting weak now, and it might get disconnected anytime soon. Should I give in to its weakness, or try to tech and repair it?

Sigh.

After reading his post a lot of things lingered in my head.

Is he talking about our friendship?
Is he leaving our place?
Does he disown me as his friend?

Then somebody shouted “logout!!!”

It’s time.

I fix my things and went down the building, mingle with some friend while puffing my stick. After the short social gathering I went to Starbucks and grab a cup of coffee for I know this will be a long talk.

Tall Mocha Hot was my weapon through the night and a pack of cigarette.

As I enter our condo, the feeling was deep and dark at the same time. I change to my usual house clothes while he was browsing the internet using his phone connection.

Then I ask.

“Shall we start?”

The long conversation began.

I won't tell anymore the bits and pieces of what we talk about for its private but here our some points that I have learned.

Reassurance of friendship is important.

Compromise also works with friends.

Silence kills.

Solace and Privacy plays a vital role in sorting out your life.

Friends for 12 years: the word roommate and friends are molded into one automatically

Prevention is better than cure.

Admitting your mistake holds fountains of solution in friendship.

Realizing what you are and what your worth is a necessity

There is no other place like home.

We both realize that we are both running. He’s running to me to understand me more and I am running towards my life because I’m searching for it.

A lot of things change drastically when my mom worsen.

Now I believe he understands.

He ask me as we ended the conversation

“Are we still friends?”

I told him

“Like what said in my previous write-up, 12 years of friendship would not be ruined by a heavy misunderstanding and a heavy problem. All we need is a little space, a little understanding and a pack of cigarette”

Because of what happened, I know for a fact that some things will change but I know for sure it’s for the best of both of us.

Portal to the Stars

Maze of Hades

When you make a decision in life, you can’t help but think twice if it’s right or wrong. A simple decision like choosing a candy in the street side would matter.

How?

Because where all connected in some way that we can’t explain.

In my case, more often than not I can’t keep up with my decision. I’m having problems coping to it and the end result is another decision that I have to take. Life measures you on how you decide in life. Maturity is the key on how you choose the right answers and the right path.

But wait, there’s more…

When you think that you have chosen the right decision in life then why is it more often than not, something goes wrong?

Again

And again

And guess what…again!

Well, we can never sway the ways of life for the reason being that here in our world life is all about change. Change for the good. Change for the bad.

“But we have a choice. We always have a choice in life.”

Did you ever get the feeling that you’re questioning your own decision because of the people who’s around you?

Peer pressure

Yes. It’s what you call peer pressure. But then again like I’ve said before “you have a choice”

A friend told me before a nice simple statement “Blame the addict not the pusher”

For me it’s like this, we decide for our own reasons. Those reasons might be good for you but be bad for others. We decide for what we want to have is a life different from others. Taking each day a risk is the soul purpose of this life. No matter how obsessive compulsive you are it’s still a risk because there is a decision at stake. It’s a big battle ahead of us. The world is at chaos and so we fight for what we believe in not whoever tells us what to do.

Conflict of the God's

12 years, and I can still remember the memories that I had with my friend. Where not actually close before. We studied at the same school. He’s a soldier of God while I was joining different organizations. We just had a connection one day and till now were friends.

Are we still friends?

Well, I guess we still are. See, friendship that has a 2 year resume of good and bad times can’t be destroyed with a heavy misunderstanding.

Yes

It was a heavy misunderstanding but still I know were friends.

Our conflict all started when we define the classic word “best friend”

For him, a best friend would be the person that you would tell everything. He will be like your diary. He knows what’s happening in your life and what’s going to happen. If there is a problem he would be the first one to know about it and be the best adviser.

That’s him

For me, a best friend would be the one who will understand what you’re going through. He feels you. He doesn’t actually have to know the details or be the first one to know but with just one look, he already knows.

That’s our conflict

See, I don’t really tell my “best friend” what’s happening in my life. If I have problems I would choose the person that I would l like to open my problem with. After getting the advice that I need, then I would tell him.

You think I’m probably loosing my mind

Well no. Its’ not like that. It’s actually complicated. It’s more of a choice than following the norms of Mr. Webster.

We had two major fights. One I have to get out of our place and rented a studio type hotel along Makati Avenue so that I can sleep for the night. Two, would be the very recent incident that he doesn’t know where I am going everyday.

He has a point actually. Of course, when I’m found dead along the dirty streets of Manila naked, he would be the first one who would be questioned by the police for he is also my roommate and everybody knows that where close.

My point, I have explained to him what I am going through. I need space. I need other people to talk too. I’m not saying that he wouldn’t understand though he does not get the point that I have to be alone for awhile for me to sort my life out. Explore things on my own.

Last Saturday, was our major fight. We literally made our place a fighting ring. Punch here and kick there. It was chaos. I was angry and so does he.

I don’t have the energy anymore so I cried and told him again what I’m going through.

Things didn’t work out and our friendship is still hanging by the moment.

He’s already 3 days out of reach, though I know he’s fine.

Why do I know he’s fine?

My friend is an intelligent person and he wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Life can be lonely when he is not around. But I can’t battle our conflict for now because I have a lot of things to fix in my life and family. For sure we’ll be united again as friends soon.

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

The Voice of Hera

Last Sunday, I went to the hospital, to check on my mom. I stayed their from 5-8pm. I make sure that everything will be fine even though our chances are down. She ate her food for the evening. I want to buy her food from the mall but my mom was diagnosed diabetic and she has to heal that disease before she gets operated for brain tumor.

My dad talk to me in private after a few minutes updating what's gonna happen. He then told me the bad news. The tumor is big and there will be a lot of blood lost after the operation. The doctor told my dad that we need to have 2 operations. One was to stop the blood feeding the tumor and the other one is to remove the tumor on her frontal lobe.

Sadness

Total Sadness

Hope pack his bags and went to Paris for a long vacation.

After eating her dinner I sat beside her (she's beside her bed) and smiled. I know she wouldn't see my smile but i hope she feels it. Half of my body was tend to the hospital bed. Lingering. Thinking in the vagueness of hope.

Suddenly, my mom hug tight and she didn't let go.

Tears silently fell from my eyes.

Then i said to her....

"Mama, laban lang ha"

She answered back in a whisper and hugged me more...

"I love you anak"

Heartfelt.

It's been awhile since she said that line. Tears feel from my eyes. Its a mixture of joy, hope and fear from my mom telling me that I have to be strong and whatever happens I have to be strong for my dad as well.

I want to hear my Mom say "I love you anak" while hugging me tightly 5, 10 , 20 years from now.

I don't want our battle to end this way.

"Goddess Hera (Hēra) - Goddess of marriage, women and childbirth."

The Lair of Fear and Pain

Right now my world is turning around. Problems are beating up front and back like a baseball bat from a bully that you can never touch. I see sadness everywhere. Pain is like air that I breathe. Blood is the road that I walk to and grave is where I sleep.

My Mother is ill. Like I said in my first write up she has brain tumor in her frontal lobe. She’s at a hospital not close to decency. Though in war there is hope. If she’ not operated as soon a possible she’ll comatose. If she gets operated it’s a 50/50. Now I realize how every minute counts in our lives.

I’m struggling to the fact that I can’t do much as expected as a son.

There is guilt and pain all mix up like tonic vodka.

Yes there is guilt for my mother is laying in bed #9 and I’m out working from Mondays to Fridays and going only there from 4-7pm (visiting hours) then after visiting I go and fight my fear of loosing her and losing myself in the process.

I have to admit that because of fear I dwell on class forbidden happiness.

Drugs and Beer

Sometimes combined, given the chance that I have enough money for both. For a few hours I’m happy. I’m higher than the angels from above. But after a few hours I drown to pain and sadness. In short, reality bites after you have sex with Satan.

Right now I’m trying to sort out a lot of stuffs in my life.

2 weeks ago we parted till the wee hours of Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed thinking, but at the same time faking my smiles as I know what I am doing is wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I love doing things that I do. But there are limitations.
I look around me and I saw my closest friends. But then, I realize I don’t see myself anymore.
Who am I?

I left our condo and went straight to the hospital. I was faking myself and acting strong as if I’m one of Greek God’s that can conquer any fear. After a few hours of staying there I went to the nearest mall possible. I had dinner, coffee and movie alone.

Alone

How come when I say that word, it’s like a rusty tube inside my ass. As if when I say it its like Satan has big party down there for my loneliness and emptiness.
I texted several people so that I wouldn’t feel alone and empty. A friend of mine called and ask me where am I and who am I with?

Silence

Dead silence like the old graves of the Gothic days.
Suddenly I snap out and told what I am going through right now. The person on other line told me.

“We all go through the stage that we question ourselves our purpose in life, we have our own styles in knowing what it is and who we are. In my case I wrote down things that I’m grateful for. I wrote down my short and long term goals. Last but not the least I wrote down my priorities in life”

I just realized that I don’t have any of those.

After I put down the phone I went up and watch the movie WANTED.

WANTED

Sigh!

I want to be wanted.

I went to the spa after, then to a friends place to release.

Yes, to release… (“,)

As I went home after suddenly feel emptiness and sadness again.

I just established that both of them are now my soap and perfume.

I’m starting this new leaf. It might be weird for those who can’t relate but like what I’ve told you from the start….”Understanding is a second priority”

I want to get my life back or at least fine who I am and what I can to in this world.

A week after it was a long week end. Thursday I’m with my office mates. We went to a karaoke bar and drank hard. Friday I met up with a close friend of mine. We had coffee and drank a bottle of beer. I told my story and surprisingly he understood what I am trying to do. Same goes last Saturday with a different friend of mine as well.

Same venue and advice was given to me.

“Sometimes you have to go out and do other stuffs or do the same stuffs that you do but with a different crowd. Because sometimes you get to know their own insights and help you in the process”

I need space for myself, Friends that would help me get through and a family that will make me alive.

I could go on and on but like what I’ve said awhile back reality bites.

To be honest, I don’t have the answers right now. But a friend told me to write it down.

I am writing now.

I’m trying

but I'm afraid.

Looms of Satisfaction

Each and everyone of us feels the need of something more. When the word "contentment" was released, I guess all of us where sleeping, shopping, having a cup of coffee, partying or drunk.

I guess that is how life is created. See, if their is contentment probably there wouldn't buildings or hi-definition sound systems or hi-effective drugs that could make us high for 4-6 hours.

Point is the word "contentment" may sway both ways good or bad. GV or BV.

You have to decide and reflect when it's time to say "NO"

I have my own share of not being contented in this world.

Hmmm... my friends know this but I like cellphones. I change my phones every 3 months. Okey? kidding! 2-3 weeks the max. Why? well I find satisfaction and esteem to it.

weird? I know but hey its me. Its my satisfaction in life.

But when you get caught with problems in life, you have to adjust. Things may not be fancy as before but you still get to eat 3-4 x a day plus a starbucks venti in exchange of the "old satisfaction" that you have.

Simple satisfaction in life make you happy.
Its your choice to he happy. (Disc: I'll contradict this statement after a few blogs, trust me)

So let me ask you this as I end this write-up...
How will you be contented if there is change everyday?
How will you be contented if you seek perfection?
How will you be contented if your looking for simply something more out of life?

"Contentment refers to the neuro-physiological experience of satisfaction and being at ease in one's situation"

Prologue at the Gates

A few years back, I can still remember how my life was.

It was simple, I'm living a happy life with my family and were having the best moments of our lives.

Malling on Saturday. Mass on Sunday. Shopping on Paydays. Booking when my parents are not at home.

Things changed a few years back.

Financial and Health problems started to occur.

Me and my family lost a big lump sum of money because of a pyramiding scheme. I already told them not to go through with it before and assured them everything is fine with our monthly income but they still insist.

And so... we lost that lump sum of money. we have to sell some properties and transfer from an A-list village going to B+ Vills

After recovering (60%) from our financial down fall. My Mother's health problem started. She has brain tumor on her frontal lobe. After the operation she didn't get her sight back. Well, technically she still have her sight but its a total Burr as she describes it.

Due to the operation we have to sell our car and other stuffs to pay for the hospital expenses etc.

After getting the money from the House and the car my Dad talked to me in private regarding a decision that I have to make.

Would it be a car (but I have to drive back and forth from GMA, Cavite everyday ) or Condo to cover for my rent expense as I live alone for the first time.

Its luxury versus life.

I chose life.

So me and my parents part ways as planned. They'll be living in Cavite and I'll be in Makati

In the middle of this story, I'm with my longest boo. Ringo.

A few months after I have adjusted living in the big polluted city me and boo decided to be together.

A lot closer. Closer. Too close.

Our relationship lived for more than a year. We were happy. contented and stable. But I guess my story doesn't have a Cinderella ending. We broke up Holy Wednesday.

Holy Thursday, I decided to go to Galera with my friends to think things over and of course.... Flirt and books!

Unfortunately, no hot sex in sand for that week for I promise my "up and coming Bf from the office" not to flirt with other guys. (I declare myself stupid at this time.... Busilak ON)

This guy from the office was the complete opposite of my Ex-bf. He propose to me in surprise in Galera with my friends help. (Video can still be seen at basol16.multiply.com)

We broke up after 2 months. Its more of "sex" than "make love", more "friends" than the relationship"

Moving on....

After my ex-bf left the condo. a friend of mine needs a place to stay. He's been my friend for 12 years and we know almost all the things that we have to know from each other.

Everything went smoothly when he transferred. Since I'm in the loom of loneliness and he has his own problems we enjoyed each other's company as friends..... (until now... will go onto that later)

After the break up, I went out as often as I can with my friend. Also met new friends and friends of their friends. Sex from different people is like candy's from the side streets of the dirty city.

It was fun.

Until...

My dad call me up and needs to talk to me. I went to Cavite to talk and he drop like a big bomb the bad news. Mama's brain tumor is back.

Sadness hovered my emotions as it slowly kicks in, but then again. life has to move on.

August 16. My friends first tried what they call the happy pill. I tried the happy pill before and stop for 3 years. I was partying with my college friends at Olive and Halo before they closed. After that day, things were now different. I didn't say that it was bad nor it was good. Let's just say a group of kids found a "new toy" to play till present.

A lot of memorable things happened. Most of the memories our caught on cam (moving and not moving) and you can visit then at my multiply site.

A lot of things had happened. Both good and bad. Funny and serious. But still at the end of it all you still ask yourself.

Am I happy with the life that I have right now? Am I living "the life?" Am I on the right track?

As "The Gates of my Eyes" open, I hope that you'll see and feel what life has to offer.

But remember... understanding is a second priority...