Silence in Goodbye

I will not tell the story in detail.

My mother past away on August 16' 2008 same day as my birthday.

I love her so much. Me and the rest of the family.

But I never notice how good she was too people until her wake and funeral.

Mom lived a happy decent life and she will remembered forever in our hearts.

"Heaven holds a sense of wonder...
And I wanted to... believe that
I'd get caught up,
When the rage in me subsides"


"I love you Mama, hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita"

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Sacrifice makes Perfect

I thought I would never make it on my own birthday. A week before Godskitchen, I got a call from my Tita who was a total bitch over the phone. She was a bitch, but at least she relayed to me the problem that was going on in the hospital since I was exiled for almost 3 days.

It was money problem.

My mother as you know has brain tumor and she needs all her vital sign to be up and running for the operation to take place. That week, she had a bad case of lung problem that has a medication of 3000 pesos a day. We don't have that money anymore for all my incentives went to her first trial operation that failed. The moment I knew of this, I went to the hospital to check on her. I talk to my dad and reconciled with him. I told him that I have my last money in my ATM.

Last money.

That money is for my Birthday celebration on 08.08.08.

Godskitchen Worldwide Tour.

At first I was sad; giving up the money and not go to Godskitchen.

But it was the right choice.

I did the right choice.

After that Sunday night. I started to worry and got sad. I did a little thinking and see if I could do something about it.

And luckily, I did.

I traded my 2^nd phone for a lower model and got some cash out of it. One of my friends from Hong kong treated me for the entrance. My date treated me for dinner and my friend paid for some money that he borrowed 2 weeks ago.

Perfect.

It was one hell of a celebration. Almost all of my friends were the plus I gained new friends also.

See you again next Godskitchen.

Debugging Matrix

What will happen to my mother after the operation?

Will the operation be successful?

What about our finances?

What will happen to me as I live this life right now?

What do I do?

Is there more to this life?

Will there be love soon?

Will I be alone forever as I grow old?

Will my friends be an instrument for me to be a successful and mature person?

Is versatility the key?

Will Rhoger find his way to success? Or he already did he just don’t know it.

Will Dj and I solve our unspoken conflict?

Will Riow know what he really wants in life?

Will JM find his way to love and balance everything with his work?

What will happen to me and my best friend?

What do they think of me?

Whew! Too many question but the answer are so few... sigh!

One last question…

Where's your head at?

The Cutscene of Kratos

Last Friday I was on leave. It’s my father’s birthday last Thursday and I plan to treat him to a fancy restaurant. After going to the hospital, me and my dad went to Teriyaki Boy to have a soulful dinner. Before dinner I told him that “Dad, it’s your celebration hour today, let’s talk about happy stuffs okay?” Well at first he’s following what I told him but after sometime he just blurted out while eating “I wish your mom was hear with us, not lying in a hospital bed”

Truth hurts

I replied to him “Papa we have to be strong for her”

It’s actually half meant when I said “Papa we have to be strong for her”

I’m not strong; I’m weak and out of bullets.

After the dinner I went to my friend’s office to meet him up for dinner. I already took dinner so I just tagged along. While walking we bumped to another friend of ours. Anyway the two of them had coffee and CBTL while I was puffing my cigar and half listening to the endless guys stories of my friend.

After the coffee dinner, the friend that we bumped into went back to his office while my friend and I went to my place and chill out for a few hours before going to the club. I message my best friend where he is; surprisingly he’s already in the building going up our room. Around 12am to 1 we prepared and went to the Club to party and meet our other friends. Some of us drink and dance the night away, most of us bought a ticket to heaven and fly away.

I bought a ticket to heaven.

Red Gas Pump

Around 6 am we decided to go home and bought a connecting flight.

In house

Around 3:20 in the afternoon I woke up and went to the hospital to check my mother. From my place it takes 3 rides before you get to the hospital. A jeepney, a bus and another jeepney ride. When I was in the bus I check out the weather and it was perfectly fine, after a few minutes it rained so hard. I don’t have anything with me to protect me from the rain. When I got out of the jeepney I ran towards the hospital all drenched up. I check my phone and my Ipod if it’s wet, well it is but not broken. Seeing my mother the second time for the week makes me wonder how strong my mother is. Imagine this, she has brain tumor and her need two operations plus the fact that she is in a ward with a lot of people who has the same problem worse than she has. It has been 3 weeks and she never cried even once. I’m proud of my mother and I hope she can get over this problem after the operation is finish.

After a few hours of staying with my mom, I passed out in her bed, again. So I woke up late and went home. Since I haven’t eaten for more than 24 hours I grabbed a huge dinner at a near diner with my dad. For less than 40 minutes I have been sitting twice already in comfort room. I think my stomach problem is back. It’s not LBM but it’s like LBM. Feeling so bad because of the rain and LBM I rested in my bed with my other 2 friends, soon to WED on August 08 2008. 08.08.08. I charge my phone in the kitchen for an hour or so. When I checked my phone there was a lot of messages by my friend who is looking for us and asking us to go to the Club that we went the other night. My 2 friend decided to go but I didn’t for I was tired and there is an underlying story behind the text messaging incident. As I stayed in the house I played for a couple of hours my favorite game in Play station 2: God of War (I already finish the Chains of Olympus and the one in Play station Portable), after that I took a look sleep.

Sunday was a relaxing day; I woke up around 2 in the afternoon and then went to my mother’s hospital to check her up. After few hours I went back to the dirty city and grab dinner at Seattle’s best and of course a large Frapucinno to go because I’m going to watch “The dark knight” As I walked through the isle of the cinema I found my seat. And as I sat at it I was shocked for my ex-boyfriend from Alabang is just beside my seat. I made sure that I wouldn’t look shocked. I know that he noticed me too and he was giggling. The movie was great but the feeling that your ex is just beside you and you guys are not talking but glancing every now and then is the best. Towards the end of the movie he made a moved. Of course I made the move too. We rub into each others elbows then finger tips and at the end he held hands.

“HAHAHAHAHA”

We never talked even after the movie. I walked towards the exit because I know there is no after movie humping for us.

“HAHAHAHAHA”

3 days of no work.

“Was it relaxing?”

Almost

“Was it memorable?”

Yes it was

“Was it worth it?”

It was well worth the leave.

Chalice of Goodness

It’s my father’s birthday today. Happy birthday daddy! Don’t ask me his age because I actually don’t know. All I know is I’m very lucky to have him in my life. If I could say, he’s the perfect father for me and for my best friend too.

Before, my dad and I were not that close. I can still remember that I was always with my grandmother and other relatives. I can’t remember anymore how we became close. Probably it’s the daughter and dad theory.

We became closer when I told him my problem with my ex-boyfriends.

He already knows that I’m gay even before it’s just that he’s waiting for me to come out.

I can still remember that exact moment.

Sigh

Can’t help but smile

To my dad, I love you so much and no matter what I will be always by your side.

“We can do this”

I love you and happy birthday!

Rejuvinating Potion

It has been 2 weeks since I stopped visiting the heavens.

To all those who take the pill, you know what I’m talking about. To those who don’t know anything about it… stay that way. I will be a hypocrite if Ill be saying that I’m going to stop taking the pill. I just simply miss the bonding and the joy the drug brings. Like they say in the commercial “Once you pop, you can’t stop”

And I can’t stop

Addict

Of course with all the things that I have to fix plus the family problems that I have, I need to balance it out. Still take the drug but not as much as before. After all, I already had my peak of the drug.

Yeah. I did already! So stop reacting!

Right now, I’m just having fun with good old beers with grenadine and hopping to bars with different friends to see other people and see their insights in life. It’s’ surprising that dumb people aren’t’ that dumb when it comes to the realities of life.

We begin to question ourselves sometimes when were out with other people

“What am I doing here?”

“Why am I with these people?”

“What the fuck?”

It goes on and on trust me, but maybe I’m with different types of people for a reason. Not just to have fun, but also to see the good in my life. How precious my life is.

I don’t know

It’s complicated

But that what makes the world go round

Like a pill

Like a drug

Balancing Pandora's Box

Last week my mom had a seizure.
It was her first time to have a seizure. Unfortunately, I’m not there so was my dad.

I thought it was the end, and we were never there for the big battle that we are preparing for the longest time. It’s a good thing though that the friends that we made in the hospital were there and my grandmother was there to be of assistance.

Relieved

I called my supervisor to ask if I can go on a half day. He said yes. He knows what’s been happening to me these past few days regarding my family and my mother’s illness.

Around 6:30 in the evening I took a bath and clothe myself because I should be in the office before 8pm.

Traffic

When I got in the office a few seconds past 8pm. I took calls but honestly my mind wasn’t in my workload that I’m doing. I just followed the call flow but my heart wasn’t in it.

My heart was with my mother together with my mind and soul.

After this day I went home and the same routine Tuesday. My mind was out of work as if it has traveled the galaxy to search for the answers in life. At the end of my shift my supervisor called for my attention and talked to me.

“How are you?”

My answer was null and void, though my eyes tell sadness and fear.

“I totally understand what’s happening now with your life. And I’m giving you all the extra time because I know how hard it is. I check your scores and its drifting apart. You need to focus because I know and you know that you need this job for you and for your family.”

[It’s the cliff notes version]

After that, I realize that all those things that my supervisor told to me were true.

Yes. I have a problem with my family.

Yes. I need to sort things out in my life.

But I have a job that I have to keep for me to do things that I usually do.

Reality bites in life and a lot of biting is happening right now. It’s a lot harder if your family is involved. Emotions run through every single day. It’s hard to smile these days. Imagine you and your friends are joking around randomly and you just need to smile for the reason being that you need too because it was a funny moment.

Sigh